Many of us picture the typical schoolyard bully when we think of a controlling person. We might imagine someone who aggressively commands others to do what they want. Controlling people show up in all areas of life — co-workers, bosses, friends , family, and even strangers. A controlling person will attempt to undermine your confidence by making jabs at you in private or public. Demanding your attention constantly and gradually isolating you from friends and family is a method of control.
They keep tabs on every little favor. They might also go out of their way to appear overly generous as a way to keep you indebted to them. They underplay your experience by lying or accusing you of being overly sensitive. You start second-guessing yourself all the time. Say you suspect a close friend of spreading false rumors about you. If you had a big win at work, a controlling person might immediately change the subject and sulk about something that upset them that day to regain your attention.
They may also sabotage your relationships with others as a way to have a leg up on you. For example, they might take screen shots of your private texts without permission and send them to others.
Someone exerting excessive control may constantly act superior and try to undermine your reputation. At work, this can look like a co-worker who always interrupts you during a meeting to state their own opinion or a boss who disdainfully talks down to you in front of your peers. This is especially true if they pick fights while you're out without them.
Financial control is very real, and one of the quickest ways a controlling person can make someone dependent on them. If someone is actively seeking to isolate you from friends and family, that's a surefire sign they want to control you, Richmond notes. Not only does this limit your support system, but it reinforces your dependence on the controlling person, similar to when they control spending.
It comes down to limiting the resources you have so you have to rely on them. Guilt-tripping can look like a lot of things, such as making you feel guilty for not having sex , for not spending enough time with them, or for wanting more alone time, Richmond says: "'You don't find me sexy anymore' turns into 'I guess you don't love me'—which is sexual coercion.
Over time, this can lead someone to doubt or at least deprioritize their own needs. Richmond says the insecurity that drives controlling behavior can cross over into the bedroom. One example, she says, can be if a partner doesn't want to use sex toys as a couple.
Gaslighting , or making someone question their own experience by denying or deflecting, is another way a controlling person will try to manipulate another. Another control tactic some people will use is doing nice things for others but only so those people are indebted to them, Richmond notes. This is common in one-sided friendships , where the friend only does things for their own gain, but it can certainly happen in romantic relationships, too.
Once the good deed is done, this person may repeatedly bring it up, remind you that you "owe them," and let it hang over your head. Jealous behavior can range from harmless to extreme, but according to Richmond, when you approach the extreme end, that's when things begin to get controlling.
Perhaps your partner doesn't like you hanging out with friends of a specific gender or posting pictures of yourself online. This lack of trust triggers their insecurities and makes their need to control you even greater. Research has also shown excessive jealousy is often linked to narcissism —which brings us to our next point. She explains that because narcissists are continually disappointed with the imperfect way life unfolds, they try to control it as much as possible.
Check out our guide to spotting a narcissist for more information. For example, a controlling parent may withhold love as a control tactic. How you deal with a controlling person depends on the relationship dynamic. Here's how to handle controlling behavior from a few of the most common perpetrators:. In a controlling relationship, the big question is whether to stay or leave. If you've realized you're in a controlling relationship that's abusive, reach out for help immediately.
You can call, chat, or text this hotline for support. If there isn't abuse and you believe your partner is open to adjusting their behavior, Richmond says the first step is to open up a conversation about what's going on. First, you'll want to establish a time you can both sit down and talk about what's been bothering you.
For example, she says, you could say something along the lines of When you text me constantly while I'm out with my friends, I feel like you don't trust me. When I don't feel trusted, I feel diminished and like you don't think I can take care of myself. That really makes me feel like the underdog in this relationship, and like you have more power—and I don't like feeling powerless.
Signs and behaviors Causes How to respond Signs of danger When to seek help Summary Controlling people try to control others or situations. What does it mean to be controlling? Share on Pinterest Controlling behavior can be a form of abuse.
Is it abuse? Signs and behaviors of controlling people. Signs of danger. When to seek help. Exposure to air pollutants may amplify risk for depression in healthy individuals. Costs associated with obesity may account for 3.
Related Coverage. What are the signs of coercive control? What are the signs of emotional abuse? Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, Ph. What are the effects of emotional abuse?
Is the silent treatment a form of abuse? Medically reviewed by Alexander Klein, PsyD. What makes a healthy relationship? Don't do that. As we go through life we'll deal with many types of people. A critical life skill for us to develop is the skill of managing our relationships.
We are learning how to say "It sounds like you have found an approach that works for you. I do it differently, but thank you so much for your help! Don't expect a controlling person to take your brush-off with good humor, however. Folks who need to control other people don't just want to give advice -- they expect you to take their advice, too! I had a very bossy friend when I was in my twenties.
I only stayed friends with her because I was insecure and thought that I needed an older person's advice my friend was an old lady of 24 at the time. If I started to describe a situation at work or a tricky social issue to my friend, she'd cut me off. Here's what you need to do about it. I was so overwhelmed by her that I wouldn't stop her to point out that the problem she had diagnosed wasn't my problem at all.
She didn't want to hear that. She wanted me to pull out a notepad and pen and start taking notes. She desperately wanted to teach me. As my mojo slowly grew I saw what my semi-friend was doing and I retreated. I spent less and less time with her until we lost touch. In retrospect it seems that my former friend needed people around her whose problems she could solve.
She felt more competent as a bossy coach to others than she did dealing with her own life. Many people have the problem of being perspective-limited.
0コメント